Into the woods…

It’s been a minute since I wrote anything. 2021 was tough to say the least I wasn’t allowed to do much physical activity because if I did it reopened an internal wound from a surgery that wasn’t successful. 9 out of those 12 months were tough. In august I had a surgery that fixed me all up and gave me my life back again.

I’ve never been so thankful to be able to move my body. Seriously. And so I do, on a regular basis get up and work out. We’ve been doing a combo of P90X and now p90X2 plus running. Adding the strength program with running has been life changing. I have muscles now! Seriously tho I have gained strength in both my lower body and my upper body. I can do push-ups! It has helped my running substantially and has also made recovery from each run better as I don’t get sore muscles after runs anymore. I didn’t even know that was possible.

This morning we went to a local trail to run and it was just beautiful. We went early enough that it was still in the 70’s and though it was hot and humid most of the run was shaded by the canopy of the trees.

I’ve been working a lot on enjoying the run vs pushing myself to hard and it’s made such a difference in my outlook. I no longer beat myself up for being slow and in fact often mindfully take a little waking rest to enjoy my surroundings. It’s so funny how releasing myself from the pressure of running “faster” has given me a freedom and joy that I didn’t know running could bring.

Our mileage is low right now as we try to build a solid base before beginning half marathon training in July. I still feel nervous that I signed up for another half but I know I can do it! Keep running my friends and enjoy the views while you are out there!

Facing or Embracing Forty

I sit here in my La-Z-boy recliner where I’ve sat for a great majority of 2020/2021. Sure I have the desk that’s in my dining area and you can often find me there but on cold days like we’ve had recently, I’m in the comfy recliner.

I always mentally prepare for birthdays in the months before. Reminding myself and others how old I’ll be. Mostly to just get my brain used to hearing and saying a different number. Thus far in my life I’d say I’ve been pretty ok at embracing whatever number was coming next and accepting that I’m getting older not younger.

This year has been a little different and while I can’t say I’m dreading the big 4-0, I’m also not embracing it like I have birthdays past. Maybe it’s because COVID is the current state of our world but I don’t think so. I keep thinking about my plan vs. “Gods plan” or for those of you who may not believe in God, the way life has gone so far.

My plan was to get married right after college to have 1000 kids, be done having kids before 30, get my hot pre-baby body back and live my best life traveling and enjoying life with my family. Oh and I’d probably have some sort of freelance design job bc the guy I married obviously would have made buckets of money so I only worked because I was inspired, not because I have to.

I am quite literally laughing as I type this because we know that isn’t what happened. Not even close. Instead, Gods plan was slow, and meticulous. I had lots of lessons to learn, many of which I’ve written about previously. I did get married to the love of my life after I finished my graduate degree, we both are fortunate to have jobs that we love and overall have a pretty great life. Obviously we don’t have 1000 babies, and to be honest that’s an area we’ve struggled in. Our desire to have kids is well known in our circle but for whatever reason that hasn’t been part of Gods plan yet. I say yet, because I don’t know what the future holds. I do know that bearing the cross of unexplained fertility issues sucks, and most people don’t really truly understand because they haven’t walked the same path. We have spent the last 18 months changing our diet, trying to exercise more regularly, taking a billion supplements, drinking special tea that is supposed to help my body, going to accupuncture, getting fertility massages, the list goes on and on. And quite frankly some days it’s exhausting and we don’t know what the future holds. What I do know is our life is pretty great, we love and are loved, we can talk for hours or sit in silence, comfortably. We persevere in prayer and ask for Gods plan and our acceptance of that.

I don’t have answers, and I’m starting to accept that’s ok. That I don’t have to be in control of things and that I don’t need to pretend I have control over things that I really have no control over.

40

It’s another number, some days it makes me feel sick with dread, like I’m wrapped up in a cloud of darkness because “my plan” didn’t go as I wanted. Other days, when I take the time, I’m grateful for Danny and Georgia and all of the adventures we’ve had and the ones that are still to come. My plan definitely pales in comparison to the beautiful plan that God has laid out for me thus far, He surprises me when I least expect it, and I that is amazing.

So here we go, the big 4-0. I don’t know about you but I’m looking forward to whatever is coming, one beautiful, blessed day at a time.

This Isn’t the Roaring 20’s we hoped for…

It’s funny to think that 6 months ago I was one week away from starting a new job, remotely. 6 months ago we watched as the map started to light up with COVID19 infections around the world, steadily closing in on our own states and cities.

I remember ringing in the new year with friends, referencing how we were moving into the roaring 20’s just like our ancestors and how cool that was. Well 2020 had a different plan than 1920 didn’t it? Our world that previously seemed pretty simple quickly turned chaotic and selfish as we started hoarding toilet paper, paper towels, meat, rice, beans, you name it, the shelves were empty. It gave us a glance at how ugly we can all be when we think of ourselves instead of each other. Politics and social issues are becoming increasingly more polarizing, and those that you used to be able to have a conversation with about differences of opinions suddenly proclaim that they can’t possibly be friends with someone that has a different opinion. Is that really where we are? Are we going to be remembered by our ancestors as the folks who only thought of themselves and didn’t continue to love each other when we were in the darkest of places? That’s not how I want to be remembered.

I’ve tried to take a different approach to this time. Instead of watching the daily news updates and frantically refreshing Facebook and Instagram and other social apps, as I did in the beginning, I’ve slowly unplugged. Yes, I will still post this blog link on Facebook, because maybe it will resonate with someone. Danny and I have tried to be more mindful about things we can control. What can you control in a global pandemic? For us it has been our mental and physical health. We’ve been cooking more, and actually finding out what we like, vs. following a strict plan or diet that’s not sustainable long term. This morning I had sweet potato porridge with blueberries and walnuts for breakfast, and damn was it delicious. I’ve eaten more veggies and fruits in this pandemic that I probably did in the prior year, and I’m only half kidding about that. We’ve been taking walks at least a few times a week, sometimes getting up early to get a cardio workout in, and we’ve been communicating and working thru all the feelings that come along with the state of the world. (Ok maybe that last part about feelings is just me but you get the picture) In the last 2 weeks the lack of Facebook has been both strange and exciting. I miss seeing posts from family and old friends, but I’m also thankful that I can process my own thoughts and feelings, instead of getting caught up in what someone else posted. I’ve learned to slow down and enjoy life a little more. One of the people I follow on Instagram is Kelley Wolf (aka Kelley from Real World New Orleans who married Scott Wolf from Party of 5). Her posts have been super helpful in having a better focus. Her mantra daily is “Munch, Move, Meditate”. Feed your body, move your body and feed your mind. I’ve got to say the days I do all of those things, I feel so much better.

This time to me, though difficult, has also been a blessing. In PreCovid times I never would have left my desk to go for a walk at lunch time, or had the time to cook meals regularly. I barely had time to grab my cup of coffee before I ran out the door so I wasn’t late and my boss didn’t give me shit, and trust me that old boss sure did give us all shit if we were “late”. Which is relative if you are salaried and don’t have strict work hours am I right? Anyway, I digress…

These times won’t last forever, and there is definitely both good and bad, but maybe for the next 6 months we can all choose to focus on the good. No matter what, let’s choose to see the good in each other and be kind. Let’s make the choice to love our bodies, appreciate the gifts this time is giving us. We CAN all get through this, but we have to do it together.

Scams, Summer 2k17 and Puppies

Hello again! It’s not been a year, and here we are again, writing and reading! My last post I mentioned one of the loves of my life, my pup Georgia. So today I’ll tell the story of how Georgia almost was Faustina.

My first summer of grad school was tough to say the least. The usual fun filled summer was now filled with studying and evenings in class. My carefree life just didn’t exist so much, and coming home alone just sucked. I also had decided that summer that I would re-read Brave New World and 1984. Yea… cue deep depression. So like any normal person who already had too much on their plate, I decided on a whim one day that I wanted a puppy. (because clearly I had enough time to add that to my already busy schedule) My best friend Marybeth advised that it was a terrible idea, but I had already made my mind up. So I did some research, decided I wanted a Maltese/Yorkie mix because they were less allergenic and I am mildly allergic to dogs and cats.

I found a lady with some Morkies on some strange website I had never heard of.(which actually had good reviews) She had posted the CUTEST blonde morkie who just melted my heart. (as if that was tough) I made contact, she said the puppy would be ready to go in the next day or 2. I told her I’d sleep on it, but woke up the next day sure that this was THE ONE! I texted her to let her know I wanted the pup, and she said she had already gotten the final shots for the puppy that morning so we could meet that night. She lived near Cleveland, so we decided we would meet just north of Columbus for the exchange. She said I could paypal her money whenever, but me being me I went ahead and sent her the money because we were both driving out of our way and I wanted her to know I was serious… Cool, easy peasy. So I immediately began brainstorming names, Daphne, Thea, Daisy, Faustina(who I would call Fossie) and on and on and on… I borrowed a crate from my cousin, as well as some pee pads. Purchased a leash and harness and basically was counting down the minutes until I could bring home that lil ball of fluff. I convinced my friend Paul to come with me because its always better to have someone else with you when you are meeting a random stranger right?

We drove to Columbus, still brainstorming names, bubbling with excitement. We were about 10 minutes from the rendezvous point when the lady texted me and said she had left late and would be about 45 minutes until she got there. Ok no worries, Paul and I went to Walmart to kill some time, then had dinner at Steak and Shake because that was pretty much all there was at that exit. To be clear this exit was literally directly off of Interstate 71. During dinner, that 45 minutes had passed so I texted her again to see what her ETA was. I didn’t want to keep her waiting. She eventually texted me said sorry just a little longer…. She got lost…. I called, no answer, left voicemail, called again an hour later, no answer… Long story slightly shorter, this went on for 4, yes you read that right, 4 hours. As 10pm approached and knowing we still had to drive 2 hours home. I called her one last time as well as sent a follow up text saying that we had to go home. I was devastated but the writing was on the wall, that lady and that puppy were not showing up.

I actually had an investigation opened with PayPal, and they had to follow up with me and interview me. Apparently that nice lady told them she did in fact give me the puppy. Obviously a lie, and I did have a puppy by that time… Georgia, who I flew down to Atlanta to get. Anyway I got my money back and a really crazy story. One that thing that was just the icing on the cake though.

When I went to get Georgia, my sister picked me up at the airport and we drove the long drive to the farm where we had to pick her up. The lady, Lynn, was out of town with her son, so we would be working with her daughter. When we arrived at the farm, out comes this early 20’s girl with a tiny little blonde puppy….. who looked super similar to the one I hadn’t gotten from the lady in columbus. She put the pup in my hands and was like heres your pup. Except Georgia was a black and white morkie. She had thought I was a different person coming to get the pup she handed me. I let her know her mistake and finally I got Georgia in my hands. She was just around 3 pounds and so tiny.

Looking back it all worked out. Georgia is everything I ever wanted in a doggie, even if she is a little bit of a princess, but that’s my own fault! I believe 100% in what goes around comes around and am so happy that we got Georgia from someone who is honest, trustworthy and overall a really good human, we still chat sometimes on Facebook messenger, and Georgia still loves Dancing with the Stars and The Bachelor just like she did when she was a lil itty bitty at Miss Lynn’s house.

The State of My Union-Year 10

10 years ago, I rolled over on my mattress on the floor, and knew my world was changing. 10 years ago, I loaded that mattress and one more onto the UHaul truck that would take me to the next chapter in my life. I was lucky enough to have both of my parents come out to help with the long drive home, back to Ohio. The drive was long, especially because 3 people plus a cat in a UHaul truck is not very roomy. I was sad to leave my old life but excited for the new adventures in Ohio. Like most things, life didn’t work out how I planned. (you can revisit my older posts to get a recap of those years)

Today, as I write this, I sit on the nice leather sofa that my husband hates, and I reminisce on MY plan vs. God’s plan. What a wild ride its been. I moved back thinking I’d immediately get a good job, meet a guy, get married and have a billion babies. Needless to say that didn’t happen. These last 2 years have been nothing short of a miracle though.

2 summers ago I was in grad school, and I was SAD, like so depressed and lonely and sad. I worked, went to school, and came home to a dark empty condo. There were nights when I cried to God and begged him to let me come home to Him. I went thru the motions, and even though my spiritual life was ok, I just felt empty. I had always wanted to get a dog but told myself I’d get a dog once I got a husband so I didn’t have to do all of the work. Since I didn’t have a husband or any clear perspective guy to date, I decided I’d settle for a dog. So I found a dog online in ohio, went to pick it up and long story short, I got scammed… still get a little pissed thinking about it. I was devastated. My sister contacted a lady she knew who had some puppies and got me in contact with her. We messaged a lot, she sent me photos, and videos of a cute little pup, and I sent her a deposit. A few weeks later I flew down to Atlanta to pick up my sweet girl Georgia.

Life with Georgia was an adventure, a lot of work, but so full of love. The nights I came home, I no longer came home to an empty house, instead I was greeted by a tiny ball of fluff with a lil nub of a tail wagging. What a difference. Slowly I found my way back to a happier place. I intentionally said goodbye to some guys in my life who did not have my best interest at heart and I continued praying that God would bless me with a husband. A few months later, Danny came into my life.

They say a good partner is one who accepts you just as you are and who’s personality compliments your own. I can honestly say, from day 1, Danny just got me. I didn’t have to pretend to be anyone, I was 100% myself, and he loved me! Who knew that was possible?!?! I had spent so many years chasing guys, trying to be someone I could never be, and now I didnt have to do that anymore.

We have now been married a little over a year. That year has been full of ups and downs. (Hello worldwide pandemic) I changed jobs, we both work remotely for the time being due to the pandemic. We’ve learned so much about ourselves and each other during this time. My plan was that we would get married and immediately get knocked up and live happily ever after with our one billion children. Apparently God has other plans, we’ve been open to bringing new life into this world, our prayers have not been answered, yet. Each month is a little bit of a rollercoaster, hoping and praying for our miracle. We believe that one day God will bless us with children. In the meantime, we are doing our best to live our lives in an intentional way. Choosing to live a healthier life, going on walks daily, and cooking together. (BTW who knew walking was so nice!)

Like I said the last 10 years have been full of little miracles. I’ve grown into someone that I like a lot more than that girl who came home from Colorado. I’ve stayed in touch with old friends, and made new ones. Life didn’t go the direction I planned, but God’s hand(and humor) has been ever present in this journey. I don’t know what adventures lie around the corner, but I do know that instead of obsessing over MY plan, I’m relying a lot more on God’s plan.

To anyone who reads this, sincerely God bless you and stay safe and healthy.

another year passed

it’s funny when we look back and reminisce about the previous year and realize just how far we have come from where we were. when you are in the thick of it, it’s sink or swim, and you feel like you are just swimming along easily, except for the fact that something is tugging you down and the water is getting closer to covering your head, but you just keep kicking and eventually kick that thing that was tugging you down and find your boat so you can more easily navigate the water ahead. that was my year last year. it started out just how the last few had. with hope for change, anticipation of what was to come, and an overall sense of excitement. the thing was someone was dragging me down, and I didn’t even know it. I spent a lot of time focusing my efforts on the “what if” situation, and somehow in the process got lost. there was this desperation for that to work, even though everyone around me was telling me it never would. instead of helping me swim, he was causing me to sink. life had changed so much. I was in school, I gave up adoration and youth ministry. my stability was somehow gone… in September my itty bitty Georgia pup joined my life, and I knew things were headed back in a positive direction. then I found, what I can only describe as my needle in the haystack, and life changed. suddenly I wasn’t fighting to swim, instead I was floating. the stressful things seemed a little less stressful, and hope is back in full force. the fact that my spiritual life has gotten back on track is also helping I’m sure. so for now I will be thankful for my needle in the haystack, and float in the water of life, or maybe hop in my boat with the one who’s prayerfully, and stoically helping me navigate the rough waters, and relax and soak in the sunshine on the days that the water is calm. Until next time~M

the state of my union-year 7.

year 7. in 2010 i made the long drive back to Ohio with my parents. no job, no real plan, just the knowledge that God had a plan for me, and that plan wasn’t in Colorado anymore. a lot has happened since then, new friends have been made, some have been lost, but at the end of the day there has been so much learning and growth. I came back from Colorado scared, insecure, and lost. I wanted so badly for my feet to be back on the ground and to be settled, truly settled. I can say that honestly I still don’t understand why God brought me back to Ohio, but I’ve been blessed with so much. The last year has been particularly eventful. I started graduate school, and am now halfway done with my MBA. Getting my masters has been a goal for a while, and this time next year I will be just a few days short of graduation! Grad school has taught me a lot about leadership, given me more confidence in myself, and taught me to set lofty goals. I had to reassess where I thought my glass ceiling was, and quite frankly I think its a lot higher than I imagined. Don’t worry I’m not planning on taking over the world or being president or anything. We all know how much I hate politics. Starting graduate school also made me realize that although I’m fairly good at balance, I’m not superwoman, and I can’t do everything. After 6 years helping with youth ministry, I had to take a step back, and retire(at least for now). That in and of itself is scary. So many of my friendships were formed during my years of ministry, and ministry had become a part of my identity. So what do I do  now, without that? I know it was the right choice, but there is of course the sadness that goes along with moving on. Then there’s my heart…. I got it fixed! No more SVT, just the occasional PVC which is very normal and doesn’t need medication. Emotionally my heart is open, and waiting for whoever God has planned for me. Sometimes I wonder if my vocation is to be single, and to be honest I’m having trouble accepting it if that is in fact my vocation. The one I want to love moved, and maintaining that friendship/relationship has had a lot of hurdles, hurdles that at this point I’m not sure will be overcome. He’s happy though, and that makes me happy, because here he had a lot of baggage that brought him down. I’ve been in my new place almost a year, which has been nice. Coming home to an empty house was a big change after living with my parents for so long, but I have found comfort in the silence, and have had a lot of fun being a grown up again, and doing things like decorating and having friends over for game nights etc. I guess you could say the last year was pretty uneventful really, nothing earth shattering exciting, but it was mine. my feet are on the ground, and I feel settled, and home, at least for this moment. I’m ready for whatever the next adventure God calls me on may be.

loss, doubt and 13 reasons

it’s been a while since i’ve actually had time to sit down and blog, life has been crazy with work and school and volunteering with the youth. there have been many times where i felt the words to write forming in my mind, but the time to put them here never came, and then those words disappeared into my memory.  this post, like most of those before it, will likely be a bit rambly, a little twisty, and a whole lot of heart, because if i’m honest with myself, i’m mostly heart.

LOSS:
so first there is loss. this past saturday, on the eve of Divine Mercy Sunday, my dear friend Fr. James passed away. he fought the good fight against the big C, but in the end God took his cross and called him home. i kept seeing posts to his facebook wall, people saying they were praying for a miracle. it was a beautiful outcry for hope and prayer, both of which are powerful. the thing is my friends, we did get a miracle. when Fr. James was diagnosed the drs gave him 6-8 months to live. he did not share this information with the parish, nor did i know about it. and i respect the fact that he kept that private. he didn’t die in those 6-8 months, he fought, and he LIVED. he didn’t just live, he LIVED, fully, completely, carrying his cross and spreading the word of God. he lived his vocation, and gathered the sheep to come closer to their father. prior to his diagnosis, I was meeting with him frequently for spiritual direction and confession. I was having a hard time with life, and lacked direction and confidence. he listened, he advised, but most of all he guided me back to the lord. he challenged me, to pray more, to spend more time in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and i did, and my life changed. the last time i remember speaking to him was before i had a surgery, i was terrified i was going to die because i had just been diagnosed with a heart condition, and that wasn’t completely under control yet.  i remember he noticed my watch which kept record of my heartbeat, and he was so fascinated by how it worked, we had a good laugh and then he gave me the anointing of the sick. my surgery went fine, i lived. a month or 2 later he was diagnosed. tomorrow and thursday we gather to say goodbye to him. for me i feel like i did that a while ago, i hoped that he would live, but i also didn’t want to see him suffer. i am sad that he has left us, but know that he is praying for us from above, and is where he belongs, with his Father.

DOUBT:
oh doubt, such a tricky little word. it fills our brains with what ifs, and we get lost in a world that isn’t real. my brain has been stuck there for the last few days. you see my heart is a pendulum, it sways between hope and doubt, sometimes rather abruptly. i do my best to keep it centered, somewhere in between, that’s when i feel the best. the heart is funny though, and there are times where you can’t control or compartmentalize what you are feeling. so you have to feel it. so here i am. feeling. all those feelings. attraction, desire, hope, doubt, uncertainty. it’s like being on the edge ready to jump to whatever is next, but the person who is with you isn’t quite there yet. or maybe we aren’t on the edge, maybe we are just approaching that edge where a decision has to be made to jump and take a chance at greatness, or to turn around and go separate directions on the path of life. last night we read the passage in the bible about when Jesus came to the upper room after his resurrection, and how Thomas wasn’t there, and thus he doubted what his friends told him, that Jesus had come. Today, I was talking to a friend(who was not there last night) I shared my doubts with her, and she said, Michelle, you are like doubting Thomas, just trust in God, He’s got this. I told her about the passage from last night and it brought chills and tiny little tears to both of our eyes. Such a tangible way to remember who is in control. It’s not me, not even close. so i try not to worry, i allow myself to hope a little, and I pray. I pray for God’s will, and the understanding and ability to accept it. to continue moving forward wherever He is calling me, even if that means I don’t get to make that jump with the one I’m hoping for.

13 Reasons.
Dang. Dang. Dang. Disclaimer-I don’t shy away from the dark and twisty things, but this show was DARK. it was HONEST, and it was impactful. I would caution those interested in watching, it is graphic in many ways, and it’s hard to watch even as an adult. It brought back a lot of memories from my own time in school that i hadn’t thought about in over 20 years. things that impacted me. stupid nicknames people gave me, the way boys always made comments about how my body was developing. the note i wrote the boy pouring out my feelings, and his lack of response because he wanted someone to make out with not a girl to date. i remember people making fun of me. mostly i remember going home quite often, and curling up in a little ball and crying in my room, or in the laundry room, because i just wanted to hide and be invisible. i can’t say that i didn’t have good friends in high school, i did. more that i realized quite frankly, because if i’m honest with myself, i didn’t know how to be a good friend. i went through old notes from high school a few days ago(yes I’m a nerd and saved some of that stuff) one girl in particular always wrote the nicest most affirming notes, and im quite sure that i didn’t do the same back. i was so focused on my own misery and drama that i didn’t acknowledge the friendship in the way i should have. when we graduated, we didn’t have facebook or social media, and keeping in touch was hard, so i didn’t. I started my new life at college and didn’t look back. that doesn’t mean that i dont miss my town, or the people. i see the friendships that have lasted over the years and am happy for them. part of me always wanted to be a part of that community, but i never quite fit. i am thankful for the life God has given me, even the tough parts because i’ve learned so much along the way.

if you have made it this far, thank you. i hope you enjoyed reading, and i hope that life brings you thrilling adventures, love, and happiness. until next time~M

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking Back: The Jubilee of Mercy

It’s been a bit since I’ve written anything. My mind has had a lot to say, but life sort of happens and time sneaks away from us. I remember last year when Pope Francis announced the Jubilee of Mercy…. It was magical, I was in the middle of reading The Diary of St. Faustina(known for the Divine Mercy Chaplet, among many other amazing things) and it seemed fitting that it would be a special year. I looked forward to so many things in my head that I was certain the Lord had planned for me during this special year. Dreams that I was sure would be fulfilled. Perhaps a husband, and starting a family, getting a promotion or a big fat raise at work. So many things that I, Me, Michelle desired. I prayed so hard for God’s will…. feeling so sure His will aligned with my own plans. Spoiler alert: I did not get married, I did not start a family, heck I didn’t even have a boyfriend, but I found so much more. The Jubilee started on December 8, 2016, just about 1 month after I had let my heart be vulnerable and open, and had it bruised. It was a time that I needed hope. I clung to my Diary of St. Faustina, reading it every Wednesday at my holy hour, searching for answers, discerning my vocation, and trying to process the hurt. I was sad that my heart had become bruised, but so happy that it had been open to possibility, like really open. In that state of openness God poured himself into me again, unknowingly to me at the time, but I know it happened, it must have, because things changed. This past year has been a lot of spiritual valleys, desolation, questioning of myself, my relationship with God. Falling, and getting back up again. Seeking affirmation, often in the wrong places. Seeking forgiveness, and learning to forgive. I wrote a letter a few weeks ago to someone who had hurt me a lot time ago. I knew it was time, it was still hard, but something in my heart had changed. Where there once was anger instead there was mercy, and forgiveness. It’s so easy to convince our heads that we have forgiven someone, but our heart often takes a while to catch up. That’s what I wrote in the letter, and it’s so true. My heart was finally able to catch up.

As I started writing this I remembered that this year I had the opportunity to walk through 2 of the special Doors of Mercy, one here in Cincinnati, and one in Denver when I visited over the summer. I can’t say specifically that walking through those doors changed my life this year, but I do find it interesting that I had 2 very definite instances where mercy was shown and forgiveness was granted.

I’m not sure when it started… the other instance  I mean. I could start at the beginning when he was in a different place that he is now, and my sisters and I were introduced after mass one day. He was gorgeous, and had a smile that lit up the room when he spoke. An acquaintanceship formed, and if I’m honest a bit of a crush. Circumstances changed, for both of us, and our paths crossed in a different way. I was in a valley, a bottomless valley, and I believe he was too. We both sought out affirmation, from the same people, and I was jealous. I grew angry, I could no longer look at him and see good, I literally saw red. My heart was full of hatred, and I couldn’t stand to be around him. I felt manipulated, and defensive, and I was mean. I was so mean. Words spewed out of my mouth like poison, not caring who I hurt. Not caring about anything but filling myself with what I needed, Me, Michelle. Our paths parted, and he was gone. For a long time I hated him, my heart rate would rise when I thought about him, which I did, frequently. Why did I think about this person?  Then one day 2 years ago I wrote an email and said I was sorry, and he said “no hard feelings”. I remember receiving that email and still being annoyed. Why didn’t he accept my apology the way I needed him to. Time passed, and I continued to pray for him, and somewhere along the way the anger went away, and I was sad that I had wasted all this time feeling angry with someone who, like me, was searching for something. This past year we reconnected… we actually went to a visitation together, it was the first time I had seen him in a very long time, and I was nervous that he resented me, the way I had resented him for so long. Instead, I think he forgave me, and I forgave him. I have a friend again, I don’t get to see him very often, but in the few times I have since that day, it’s been nice, miraculous, beautiful. We have both changed, where there once was darkness there is light. We both struggle, but there is an honestly there, in some moments there is vulnerable conversation, in others it’s just 2 people having fun, enjoying the company. We laugh, he smiles, and I smile too, and it is good. I think I realized instead of seeking to forgive, I was hoping to receive forgiveness, and to allow myself to be able to accept that. I think I found that, there is no other explanation except for mercy, and the grace of God. And for both I am so thankful.

My year of Mercy wasn’t really ever My year of Mercy to begin with, but it was definitely something special. Life is still hard, I am learning to embrace the valleys the best I can, and look forward to the peaks, when I reach the top of the mountains, even if its for just a moment. In asking God for Mercy, I was shown how to both give and receive it. In the words of my dear St. Faustina “Jesus, I Trust In You”

here piggy, piggy

so here goes… my recap of the flying pig weekend. Friday was of course packet pick up. it was relatively uneventful, other than crazy traffic, and having to carry 2 large(full) bags, as well as a box of posters. note to self relay is fun, but so much swag to carry for 4 people. after i got all my stuff together and got back home, I organized. got my race stuff ready for the 5k on Saturday as well as the relay on Sunday. i put together all the bags for my other relay participants, then panicked because i had lost my favorite bandana. to most the bandana is probably just a silly accessory to my racing rituals, but it’s so much more. back in 2008 or 2009, my friends and i did the Donor Dash in Colorado with our friend Billy. He wanted to get a team together(Go Liverators!) because he loved running, and was also blessed to be an organ donor recipient. that morning we all showed up to race and Billy had this bag full of brand new, super stiff red bandanas. I remember being a bit frustrated that he wanted all of us to wear them, but obliged anyway. since that day, that bandana is always in my car on my gear shift to remind me that life is a precious gift. After Billy passed away I decided that each race I ran I would wear that bandana so a little piece of him was with me. needless to say when i couldn’t find it I was both panicked and sad. after literally 2 hours of searching, and lots of prayers it miraculously appeared in a spot i had checked 5 times. (Not exaggerating) I went to bed happy that I could continue the tradition.

The 5K
The morning of the 5K was cold, and rainy, just what everyone looks forward to, a cold wet, race. I got downtown about an hour before start time, parked, and met up with my cousin Christina and some of her friends. We chatted and took cover from the rain under the Reds Hall of Fame entrance. Eventually I met up with the guy who was giving me my Run For the Call t shirt.(Go Seminarians!) Before I knew it, the race had started and we were off. The course was not super exciting, just running downtown, one big hill(the only part I walked) it lightly sprinkled as i ran, and i just kept moving. there were lots of speed walkers around me which usually gets on my nerves but i just tried to embrace the moment and enjoy the race. it certainly wasnt my best 5k, but i finished and that was what mattered. ran into my friend Kathleen and her mom and the end, then waited for my cousin to finish so we could go change into dry clothes. The rest of the day i tried to rest and not be nervous. I went to bed around 8:30 since I knew i had to get up at 4.

The Relay
the relay, oh the relay. i woke up early, so very early, quickly put on my clothes, made some oatmeal to take with me, then met Meghan and Eric in Hyde park. we all got our crap together and headed downtown, dropped Eric off at the start line, parked, went to meet David to give him his bib, when Eric texted to tell us he didnt have the correct shoes… So Meghan drove his shoes to him, while David and I got on our separate buses to our start points for the race. After that was pretty boring. I had over 2 hours to wait until my leg would start. I literally sat in a parking lot space, on my mylar blanket and just waited, or stood in line for the bathroom like 3 times, because there was nothing else to do. Eventually my number was called and after a sweaty hug from David, it was time to start. My leg was the longest, at 7.67 miles, and supposed to be relatively flat. (That part was a huge lie) I started out much faster than I knew i should have so had to force myself to slow down, which wasn’t a problem when i turned the corner and saw a big hill. thus started my bargain with myself that i could walk the hills and run the rest. that worked for maybe the first 3 miles. the sun was beating down on me, there was zero shade, my legs were tired from the previous day, and mentally i just wasn’t there. i was full of self doubt and wanted to quit. not good with more than half of my leg to go. i kept moving. i listened to my body and walked when i wanted to, i took the beer that the nice people were handing out, because why not. i did not take the bacon, though upon further reflection i probably could have used the salt. running thru Mariemont was beautiful, the crowds and support was so awesome, so i kept moving. ran up past the Frisch’s Mainliner and along the river, probably the most boring part of the run, before getting off the highway and heading back into a residential area where my hand off to Meghan would take place. I did run the last part of my leg, there was no way I was going to walk to the transition zone, but I was never so happy to see someone in my life. I passed off the baton, and headed for the bus. the bus was great because obviously it meant that i didn’t have to walk back to downtown. that was the only great part about it though. take 50 sweaty hot people, no air-conditioning, and windows that mostly wouldn’t go down, and you had what smelled like a porta potty. once we got moving the stank subsided a bit, and then there i was in the recovery zone, receiving my medal and getting some much needed fluid to re-hydrate. i then stood there patiently and excitedly to see one of my very best friends cross the finish line, and she did, like the super star that she is. once that was complete and we got her medal and her mylar blanket(or her glory blanket/cape as she referred to it) we stocked our bag with snacks then headed to meet up with Eric. poor Eric had been waiting for us now for 5 hours, with no money because he had left that in my car. luckily he quickly made friends with strangers, who supplied him with beer/food/smokes. Meghan and I also had the good fortune to meet these folks, and we proceeded to have a splendid end to the afternoon enjoying some beverages, and food under the bridge by the river. what a beautiful end to a beautiful day. overall our time sucked thanks to me, but no one seemed to care, we had fun, completed a marathon, and enjoyed our city and its people. throughout the whole day i prayed, before the race, during the race(dear lord please help me finish, and offer up my suffering for those in need) and of course after the race. i was truly united with the lord in my tiny bit of suffering, and it was good. i’m not sure what race will be next, but i will keep running just like Mrs. Maggio tells me to. every mile has meaning, life is precious, don’t let is pass you by!